French Fry Head

8.22.09

2009-08-22T15:39:00.002-04:00

It's really hot in NYC. It's so hot, people are complaining about it. Imagine that. People complaining about something they can't control. Personally, I like this kinda weather. It puts things in perspective. Like who's an asshole that can't just drink a glass of water when it gets too hot.

6.4.09

2009-06-04T18:15:00.003-04:00

I used to smoke a lot of weed. I can't smoke anymore. If I smoked weed I would start freaking out. I would start thinking about all the wrong things. Like what my head tastes like. That's the wrong thing to think about when you're stoned. That's the wrong thing to think about when you're not stoned. SHIT! AM I STONED????

??????????????????????

5.30.09

2009-05-30T11:47:00.002-04:00

Okay okay okay okay. I know I'm supposed to blog more often. No excuses.

I slack. I just turned 30 years old and I still slack. I am not afraid of age. Some people are. I don't know why. When you get old your brain goes up and your body goes down. It's weird. I pee more times a day then I think I'm supposed to. Is that age related? I do drink a lot of coffee and water (and beer). I should stop putting so much fluid into my body. At this rate I'll be wearing diapers when I'm 40. Maybe 45. I won't even be getting up so often to go to the bathroom. But I slack. So maybe it's a good thing.

4.5.09

2009-04-05T17:24:00.002-04:00

I have a day job. So do you. Everyone works during the day (or something). But really, I have a job during the day. It's not so bad. Sometimes I don't know if I fit in there. Like when there's some sort of event with free food, I'm usually the troll who rushes to be the first one there. Is there one of those at every job? I'm that guy at mine. Also, I don't take it as seriously as I should. Like when I'm supposed to be doing something I'm usually not. There's definitely one of those at every job.

Usually it's called the Human Resources department. Zing...

4.2.09

2009-04-02T18:31:00.002-04:00

People like to hide behind brand names. I think that's funny for some reason. In previous centuries a man draped in Chinese silk was considered of great importance. Ditto for other regions and other fabrics. Today, any asshole can wear an Armani T-shirt. He's not that important. Trust me, he's not. And any ol' twirl can get a pair of Prada sunglasses. She is not important. Just because you're donned in those fashionable duds doesn't mean you're any different than the rest of us. Well, except for the uncontrollable insecurity. And your out-of-place desire to judge others who are probably way more intelligent than you.

Hell, at one point Jack Kerouac was considered a bum for wearing khakis.

3.5.09

2009-03-05T17:56:00.003-05:00

I've been having a bad week. Not sleeping. Wondering about the future. Thinking about shit. Sometimes I listen to other people talk about having a bad day. They say things like they couldn't find their keys. Or they just missed the train. Or the line at Cosi was too long. That's not a bad day. Those are a series of unfortunate events. One time I started daydreaming about what my funeral would be like, then I wished physical harm on one of my ex-girlfriends, then I only had enough money to buy one slice of pizza, then I went out and was ignored all night by everyone.

Then I missed the train. That was a bad day.

2.28.09

2009-02-28T11:52:00.003-05:00

I like hot people. Everybody likes hot people. They never do anything wrong. People like smart people, too. But they like hot people more. John Stamos gets more blow jobs than Martti Ahtisaari. John Stamos was Uncle Jessie on the sitcom, Full House. He had really nice hair, then dated that supermodel, then...then...I don't know what he did after that. Probably got a lot of blow jobs if I had to guess. Martii Ahtisaari won the Nobel Peace Prize. He helped other countries get independence and tried to prevent a lot of violence from happening. But that's all he did. And he's an ugly mutt. He doesn't get a lot of blow jobs.

2.13.09

2009-02-13T19:51:00.002-05:00

I have a sore fuckin' throat. I can't think straight when I'm sick. I can't even decide if I wanna eat something or not. How do you not know whether or not to eat??? I don't know. This is my first post of February. Could be my last. Next week I'm going to California. I bet they don't get sore throats out there. I bet if you walk in to a Duane Reade or whatever the equivalent of that is in California, all of the sore throat medicines are expired. I betcha.

1.25.09

2009-01-25T11:23:00.002-05:00

New York City is not the same. Maybe I'm getting older. Time marches on. But it's not the same city I remember. I don't long for the days where neighborhoods were more dangerous. No. I long for the days where the only people who cared about what they wore stayed on 7th Avenue in the 20's.

I long for the days where people caught up to the city and not the other way around (there is a rhythm to this place and if you don't get it then I'm not apologizing for breezing by you on a subway platform).

I long for the days where downtown restaurants were about the deal and not the gimmick.

I long for the days where people who moved here were proud to have taken the step to do so instead of comparing it to their hometown.

I long for the days of this city having an identity, not some mirror image of LA.

Whatever.

1.15.09

2009-01-15T18:20:00.004-05:00

There is something about the winter that makes me lazy. Maybe the days are short. Maybe staying indoors is a better alternative. Maybe I hate sweaters. I would never make it in a place like Minnesota. Or North Dakota. Or Montana. Those places are cold. I can barely stay in the freezer section for 10 minutes at Key Food. What chance do I have in a place where they drill holes in ice to catch fish? Maybe all those people are lazy in the summer.

I'm a genius in the summer.

1.4.09

2009-01-04T15:33:00.005-05:00

Well, it's a new year. I don't think that stands for much anymore. Some people need it. Some people need the new year to set a goal. Or gauge their own humanity. But I don't. I know what I'm capable of. Doesn't really matter what day of the year it is. If I feel like a fat fuck I'll be doing sit-ups in April if necessary. Sometimes I do. Sit-ups I mean. I almost never feel like a fat fuck. That's cuz I take care of myself. Not like these bozos who go to the gym from January 2th til January 18th. Those fat fucks.

12.28.08

2008-12-28T11:27:00.002-05:00

I do not enjoy December. I'd really like it to end. There's so much emphasis on the holidays. It's kinda weird, really. How people get so wrapped up (no pun intended) in the mania of Christmas and New Year's. I kinda think people only like the holidays cuz they know they're getting stuff. Like, new stuff. Everybody loves new things. And the way we're so spoiled these days who wouldn't love a day off from work where you sit around and get new things. Of course people get excited about it. And then a week later you get another day off to get as drunk as you want and count backwards. It's like permission to act ridiculous. Like children.

I guess the holidays are a nice reprieve from sitting in a cubicle all year, staring at a computer screen, wearing some uncomfortable shoes, and listening to some douchebag give you orders. But I don't fall into that category. So I do not enjoy December.

12.25.08

2008-12-25T19:21:00.001-05:00

Today is Christmas. Who cares?

12.12.09

2008-12-12T17:05:00.002-05:00

I bet you think you're cool. You're not. I bet you think you're approach is cool. It isn't. I bet you think you really make an impression. You don't. I bet you think your name is on the lips of many when you're not around. It's not. I bet you think you're hot. (Well, maybe you are). I bet you think you make a difference. You don't.

Groups are fun. Cliques are bad. Don't be an asshole, be an existentialist--it provides perspective.

12.4.09

2008-12-04T21:15:00.003-05:00

I don't watch college football. I also don't celebrate Christmas. People who really love one or the other are nuts. At least in my opinion. Nuts. Why would you make yourself so crazy over something that quickly comes and goes every year? There's really nothing on the line. I mean, every year there are so many drastic changes that it feels so pointless to throw yourself into it. Then again, a good season is always worth remembering.

11.22.08

2008-11-22T17:41:00.003-05:00

Humans are fascinating. I don't remember where I reads/heard this, but some guy said that humans are the only animal that know they're going to die. That's interesting. We are at the top of the food chain because we are smarter. We are there because other animals don't know they're gonna die. So we kill 'em. Then we eat 'em.

What if that ended? What if another species used our own knowledge of death against us?

Actually, I think our own species already does that. I gotta stop watching The Twilight Zone.

11.15.09

2008-11-15T23:33:00.002-05:00

I was listening to this thing on the radio. It was first broadcast in 1971. It was about the Great Depression. There were interviews with people who lived through it. They told stories about having to walk down to a soup line and then to a shack for a piece of bread and then somewhere else to get a bucket of milk. A fuckin bucket of milk!!

I'm not one of these guys who rags on the country a whole lot. I do think we need to be more responsible. Especially when it comes to remembering where we came from. When you decide to leave the Apple Jacks on the shelf in favor of a generic supermarket brand, that's not a very large sacrifice. When you opt against organic produce for regular produce that's not much of a sacrifice either.

Eating two meals a day and staying in on a weekend night and laying off the new sneakers and jeans for a whole year...those are sacrifices.

11.11.09

2008-11-11T12:39:00.003-05:00

Ahhh...I'm caffeinated. Now I'm clever. Oh, believe me I am. You don't think so? How else am I able to comment on the world around me from the wicker chair of a coffee house on the outskirts of yuppie Brooklyn? Huh? Explain that to me smartypantsface. See! You can't! You know what you can do? You can buy into the hype by quoting movies and wearing shirts that say things you don't believe in then go out for sushi that's made by the hands of a father who dreamed of becoming the DJ for the Beastie Boys only to realize they already had one so he decides to play God in a whole other way and now you're sitting there playing right into his trap. You fucker! Have a salad!

11.10.09

2008-11-10T16:49:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's hard to summon up enough creativity to actually write a coherent thought that reveals a greater truth using irony and, in my case, a wee bit of sarcasm.

That's when I drink coffee.

This post is currently being blogged when I am at what could be the lowest point of caffeination in the day. And I got nothing. Zilch. The only things I can think to type are that I just ate a bowl of pasta, I have a crush on about 70 different girls, I think I have a hair stuck in the back of my throat, and I'm about to hit an open mic to work on some unproven material.

Pretty deep, huh? Tomorrow I will give you the exact opposite: a post at the exact moment I finish my morning coffee.

11.9.08

2008-11-09T12:17:00.002-05:00

Now I live in Brooklyn. Great. I have an extra bounce in my step. An extra one. There's this weird thing in NYC where if you tell people you live in Brooklyn you're a part of something. At first I didn't like that. But then I did. I've always admired cultural movements. I think Brooklyn may be involved in one of their own. Although some parts of Brooklyn (which shall remain nameless) are a little snobby. That part of Brooklyn sucks. Full of posers.

Nobody likes a posers. Especially us Brooklynites.

10.25.08

2008-10-25T12:26:00.003-04:00

You reading this? There are a lot of perverts in my business. Not the sexual kind. The creative kind. Creative perverts. They only get inspired upon seeing the work of a peer. Those people are perverts. They call themselves original and pretend to know about the craft they've thrown themselves into. They aren't and don't. They know how to win people over. That's because they're perverts. Perverts always have an agenda. Even the sexual kind.

One time I read this thing and I coulda sworn I wrote it. Only, I didn't. Weird.

10.5.08

2008-10-05T21:36:00.002-04:00

I just ate food from McDonalds. Now I hate myself. Am I the only person that hates himself after eating that stuff? I remember looking forward to McDonalds food. That's when I was a kid. Now I just look forward to getting it through my system. Assuming it does. Some of my friends who aren't white will make fun of white people. Then they'll start saying how they hate certain white people. Then they'll go to McDonalds and buy some food. They should stop giving their money to those people if they hate them so much.

9.30.08

2008-09-30T10:58:00.004-04:00

I'm :::YAWN::: tired. Yeah, I'm pretty tired. You ever get tired? You ever walk into a Dunkin Donuts cuz you think it'll wake you up? Then when you get there you think, this motherfucker better not fuck up my coffee. And then he fucks up your coffee. Don't fuck up my coffee. Pretty please.

I've been enjoying all this Wall Street stuff. Something about watching these guys fail that's making me smirk. I don't know. Well, I kinda know. Buncha french fry heads. I would never knock anyone's passion, but when you throw yourself into something material, only to watch it burn to the ground well, karma's a bitch I suppose. Guess we're all gonna be socialist or something.

9.22.08

2008-09-22T19:59:00.003-04:00

AAHHH! I'M FILLED WITH RAGE! I'M SO ANGRY! THINGS MAKE ME ANGRY! Na, not really. I get frustrated, but I don't get angry. The difference is that frustration is borne out of ambition. My friend said that. Anger is borne out of ignorance. And stupidity. The next time you see someone get angry at the chick working behind the counter at Duane Reade, you can think about that. Or the next time you see someone get angry at the waitress you can think about that. Or the next time you see someone get angry at a politician, you can think about that. Or the next time you see someone get angry at their girlfriend because she decided to have an opinion of her own, you can think about that.

9.9.08

2008-09-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

Checked out this documentary on The Minutemen. They were a band. Really interesting point made by Mike Watt. He was the bassist. I'm paraphrasing, but it was along the lines of "back then if you chose to be different it meant putting yourself on the line and possibly getting hurt. And now it's completely ok to be different, but instead you're battling yourself and that herd mentality."

It's weird to hear that because it seems like that herd mentality changes about as often as the herd does. Still, without that herd mentality in place there'd be nothing new to look forward to. Right?

9.8.08

2008-09-08T17:54:00.003-04:00

I am too cynical for politics. Officially. Wait, officially? Yeah, officially I guess. Every time one of these clowns gets on TV I don't like it. Who/what are we voting for exactly? Does voting still work? I'm gonna vote. I'll probably vote for the guy you're voting for just cuz, well, you're right...he's the guy for the job. He so is. That other dude is an asshole. Face it, you know it and I know it. There's only one guy who can get the job done. And it's our guy. Hurrah!

8.24.08

2008-08-24T17:55:00.004-04:00

It's been a real good summer.

I stayed up late every night. I spent time in the park. I wrote a lot of comedy. I performed a lot of comedy. I ate big breakfasts. I got rid of cable TV. I became better both physically and psychologically. I read Hemingway. I read Twain. I read Bangs. I read Steve Martin. I read "Comedy on the Edge". I saw a lot of great movies (Dark Knight, Wall-E, Gonzo) and a few mediocre ones (Indiana Jones, Iron Man, The Wackness, Pineapple Express). I talked to old friends. I thought with a clear conscious. I watched the Olympics. I managed my finances a bit better. I started jogging. I injured my foot. I stopped jogging. I challenged myself. I challenged others. I gave up on luxuries/distractions.

My summer vacation ends this Thursday. Boo...

8.19.08

2008-08-19T10:06:00.004-04:00

Last week I was in bed. I had surgery. There was no Internet either, so I watched a lot of TV. I hate TV. More and more everyday I hate TV. The Olympics were on. I don't mind the Olympics. Or maybe I do. I don't know. But I watched 'em.

I watched Michael Phelps win all those swimming races. He's the new American Hero. In a time when we really need one I guess. There's never a bad time for heroes, though. Except when you're getting older. There ain't no heroes comin around at age 30.

I think I just became an existentialist. Fuck.

8.19.08

2008-08-19T10:03:00.001-04:00

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I'm alive!

widget

2008-08-09T11:27:00.001-04:00

8.6.08

2008-08-06T01:36:00.003-04:00

I love reading Hemingway. He writes like this. Short, concise sentences. Sometimes when he needs to convey meaning and he's really getting down to the heart of the situation and there's a lot of subtle emotion and his characters are at odds with themselves he'll write a long drawn-out sentence like this last one. But usually he gets to the point. I like that. The point.

The point is powerful. You should try getting to the point more often. You'll find greater results. Just like Hemingway.

7.30.08

2008-07-30T12:03:00.002-04:00

I wonder what L.A. is like. I don't think I'd be able to love there. I've heard things. I really like New York. It's changing now, but time marches on. There's nothing I can do. Or want to do. I'm kinda tired. I really don't like fashion shows. A lot of places in New York are becoming like that. New York is supposed to be gritty, grimy, and honest. Not glamrous. New York is kinda becoming too glamorous for it's own good. Like L.A. So I've heard.

7.27.08

2008-07-27T01:53:00.003-04:00

Blogs are weird. They make people's opinions matter. At least that's what bloggers think. Sometimes the press quotes blogs for their stories. They should be careful. One day some guy will realize he doesn't have to talk to the press. Because he has a blog. His blog will do the talking. "I have no comment. But you can read my blog." Then people will read it. And stop buying the Daily News.

Blogs are weird. You're reading my blog. Why are you even reading this? You're probably my ex-girlfriend.

7.16.08

2008-07-16T12:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wake up filled with rage. I don't always like mornings. Mornings are for farmers, fishers, and practical people. I am none of those. But I would go fishing if you invited me. Seems pretty relaxing.

I've always enjoyed the summer. This one is different. I don't know why. I've got a lot of free time on my hands. Maybe that's why. You ever have a lot of free time on your hands? i can't tell if I'm bored yet. I feel like I've been bored for a while actually. Like for a few years now.

7.15.08

2008-07-15T18:10:00.002-04:00

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

7.8.08

2008-07-08T13:19:00.002-04:00

I like to play a game called "Documentary" when I'm goofin off alone in my apartment. I pretend there's a documentary being produced about all of my friends and the "scene" we're involved in. Then I pretend to give interviews about them and emphasize how important what we do is. Then I pretend they're giving interviews about me and emphasizing what I bring to the table.

And that's when I realize I have a dangerously large ego that's landed me nothing, but sitting inside in my apartment by myself with my imagination.

7.6.08

2008-07-06T14:42:00.005-04:00

Finally regained focus. Been a few months, but I feel "back." Cleared my head the past few days, taking a small leave of absence from drinking. That oughtta do it. Also started exercising again.

I jogged yesterday for the first time in a few years. My legs are destroyed this morning. When I walk down the steps I feel like I look retarded. Doesn't matter, I intend to completely destroy myself to feel good. That's what exercise is. Drugs and alcohol don't destroy you. Drugs and alcohol temporarily distract you from the things worth being distracted from. Exercise destroys you. I wanna be destroyed.

I think this is what Dylan went through when he decided to go electric.

6.30.07

2008-06-30T11:53:00.003-04:00

Been walking home with clenched fists the past few days. Don't know why. Actually, I kinda know why. Well, I know why, but it's a stupid reason. Really fuckin' stupid. This could be a long summer.

I just finished reading a book. Those usually come in handy. Like, when you wanna relate to something other than reality. TV's okay I guess. A lot of shit on TV though. All these channels have shows about real-life people and places. There's this one show about guys who risk their lives to catch crabs. And another show about hole-in-the-wall diners. And another show about weapons you could use in war. And another show about sweet 16 parties.

They should make a show about kids who were picked on in school. Did they turn out to be psychopaths or geniuses? For some it's both. I'd watch that.

6.27.08

2008-06-27T13:32:00.003-04:00

No internet this past week. No signal. I was restless.

Paranoia. Lots of it. I got paranoid about my ideas and shit. People who get paranoid are usually narcissistic. Everybody's narcissistic. Except for the British. Those guys happily make asses of themselves. British comedians are gross. American comedians look like models. Most of 'em anyway. Guess I'll be a writer. Or move to Britain.

6.17.08

2008-06-17T19:09:00.000-04:00

I'm on the Internet.

6.16.08

2008-06-16T21:47:00.004-04:00

I am a stand-up comedian. I never know where my next booking is going to come from. Or when. When a comedian gets to perform on a show it's called a spot. Sometimes I have to hustle around the city to be able to book my next spot. I call that "chasing spots".

Ain't that clever?

6.9.08

2008-06-09T19:08:00.003-04:00

Coupla things about the heat wave in NYC:

I saw this old lady on my block. She was walking on some pretty bad ankles, hobblin and shit. She was walking in the middle os the street. I got nervous. I asked her if she wanted me to help her over to the sidewalk cuz I was worried about cars comin in her direction. She told me she'll go to the sidewalk when she feels it's right.

I went to the park later on. An ice cream truck driver came around the corner. It was playing that Pink Floyd song about how much bullshit education is. Kinda funny.

Those two people are my new heroes for the time being.

6.6.08

2008-06-06T19:10:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I have trouble articulating stuff. See? I can't help it. I just don't know how to express things. See? Like, when I have a pretty important point or even just a notable contribution I get paralyzed trying to find the words to express my opinion for some strange reason that I can't explain. See?

Im reading a book about stand-up comedy in the 1970's and how it changed the landscape as we know it. It's a good book. You should check it out. Or don't. I don't care. But it's a fascinating reinforcement of an art form that may have reached it's peak. It's hard to be original. Especially when a guy named Richard Pryor already came out. That guy's pretty funny. He personified his pain so that other people got it. Hilarious.

5.31.08

2008-05-31T17:34:00.002-04:00

This past week I felt interesting. You ever feel interesting? Probably.

At my job somebody put a poster on the wall. It was a poster that encouraged social change. You gotta stand up and have a voice and change the world and have an opinion and question shit. There was a picture of a kid. He was an Iraqi kid. His dad was holding him. He was holding him cuz his leg was blown off. That's fucked. Pretty fucked.

I'm 29 now. I have one more year before I have to stop worrying if I'm cool. Nobody's cool. I think I am sometimes. I'm pretty sure I'm not. Is that weird? Y'know what's weird? People who think about cool. So not cool, dude. Do cool people like uncool people? How do you get nominated then? Hmmm...

5.26.08

2008-05-26T19:05:00.001-04:00

Had a pretty good week except for some stuff. Nothing too fucked up. I had this confidence that I don't always experience for a while. Then last night I got drunk. And I mean, I got fuckin' drunk. I only get that drunk, like, twice a year. Except I've already counted more than two times this year. When I get that way I usually feel embarrassed cuz I must look retarded. No one really cares anyway.

One time I got really drunk and punched off the sideview mirror from a cab. One time I got really drunk and tried to punch a car window, but I broke my hand. One time I got drunk and stayed inside by myself watching movies. One time I got really drunk and met the girl of my dreams. She broke up with me. One time I got drunk and never called her. Guess she never really cared anyway.

5.20.08

2008-05-20T17:26:00.003-04:00

Lester Bangs died in 1982. He was a rock critic.

What would Lester Bangs've thought about grunge? Or hair metal? What would he think if he heard Radiohead? Nirvana? What about Metallica? Guns n' Roses? How about hip-hop? What would Lester have said about Rage Against the Machine? Or [gasp] Linkin Park? Would he have liked hardcore? Black Flag? Would he have supported newer punks like Dead Kennedys? Minor Threat? How would he react to The White Stripes? Would Lester've liked R.E.M.? Or The Pixies? Or Sonic Youth? Would Lester've bashed Bon Jovi and Green Day? Dave Matthews Band? What kind of article would he put together about The Cars? Or The Smiths? Or The Cure? Would Lester Bangs like the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Or hate The Strokes? What would he say about Smashing Pumpkins? Would he even have an opinion about Korn? Or Tool? Would Lester Bangs sit down with Marilyn Manson for one of the most blockbuster interviews in rock and roll history? What would Lester've written about Nine Inch Nails? Or Hole? Or even Weezer? Would he explore the underground (when there was one) and write about Bad Brains? The Minutemen? Would Lester've liked The Replacements? Husker Du? How would Lester've bashed Stone Temple Pilots? Or Foo Fighters? Or Coldplay? Would he like Alice in Chains? Hate Pearl Jam? Like Beck? Hate Beastie Boys? Like Psychedelic Furs? Hate Tom Petty? Like Elvis Costello? Hate U2?

What would Lester Bangs think of the dying state of rock and roll and it's failure to live up to it's original mantra of attitude, rebellion, and all-out true grit minus the corporate sponsored bullshit concerts and ridiculous gimmicks with cross-promotion, while the disillusioned kids of today turn to prescribed pills and video games instead of what should truly speak to them and set them free--music?

[sigh] What would he think?

5.15.08

2008-05-15T17:22:00.004-04:00

I am the sleeper. 'the fuck does that mean? It means that I am underestimated and often overlooked and for that, people are missing out. I have always felt as if the odds have been against me. I sorta had a feeling about this back in high school. I capitalized on it in college when I fucked nothing but hotties and drank as much as athletes. I'm not fuckin' around. Nobody believes me when I talk about this cuz I'm a geek now, but it's so true.

Now I'm in the real world and I'm an adult and believe it or not, I continue to experience the same amount of shallowness as I did back then. Only this time I get too tired to try and prove myself. So I let my talent speak for me. I think it's hilarious when people are surprised about how funny I can be on stage. Suckers. One day... One fuckin' day...

5.13.08

2008-05-13T20:32:00.003-04:00

I am more concerned and interested in the human condition than one person should be.

The weather usually dictates my every mood and action.

Tacos: Can't get enough of 'em. For real, I can't.

5.10.08

2008-05-10T18:29:00.003-04:00

Just downloaded a song by The Replacements called "When It Began". The best part about that band are the lyrics. The music's cool, but I'm not a trained musician so I can't really be an accurate judge there. I think too many people feel they are. Like, they're qualified to say if a band sucks, but even worse, to say if they're good. Whatever. Everyone's gonna just listen to what they want to.

I got a show in a few hours. I'm hosting it. That means it ain't about me tonight. That's the worst. I think every performer wants every show to be about them. That's not fucked. At least not to me. That's just the way it is. It's cool. Too many people get opportunistic with shit and that's a letdown. Relax more. That's what I'm trying to do.

I think the whole idea of this blog thing is to let yourself get a little naked and write what you really feel. Sometimes I have a problem with that. Like, I'll type something, then erase it cuz it's not what I wanna reveal to everybody, but really it should be cuz it's me. Y'know? That's fucked up. I should just write shit.

5.7.08

2008-05-07T20:28:00.003-04:00

My throat is sore. I left work early today. I keep making these vows to myself that I don't even know if I'll be able to keep. I got this thing where I can accurately point out where I'm fucking up. Every time I do that I come up with a solution. Sometimes I follow through. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I convince myself I'll follow through. Most of the time I don't. Is that fucked? I don't even know. Don't care.

I had this weird dream last night where I flipped off my mom because I was pursuing my dream. (I always spell pursue wrong. I usually spell it with an 'e' after the 'p', but the red squiggly line tells me I fucked up.) So I flipped her off in my dream. I think I need to talk to her. I never know how to bring shit up with my mom. Or my dad. I usually just tell' em I'm doing ok and that I'm alright and that I have a job with health benefits. I think that's what they wanna hear. Next time I'm gonna ask 'em some questions. Next time.

5/5/08

2008-05-05T17:18:00.002-04:00

Monday. Fuckin' Monday. Monday fuckin' Monday. That shoulda been the song for real. I was originally gonna write something yesterday about Sunday, but I got lazy. Sometimes I get lazy. I got the news on. The weatherman just reported about how high the next few days' pollen counts will be. I don't know if I should be worried. Funny, I worry about everything I can't control, but when it comes to things I know I should expect I'm pretty calm. I hate surprises. On Saturday I boldly got called a nerd for my allergies. Today somebody said I have inferior genes. I don't take it seriously. But what about overweight people? And people with lesser IQ's? And people with diseases and shit? My genes are better than theirs. Fuck my genes.

You ever tell yourself you're gonna do something for so long that after a while you totally convince yourself that it doesn't matter if you don't do it? Is that the definition of procrastination? I think it is. Who cares. Seriously, who the fuck cares.

Large, skim milk, one sugar

2008-05-01T20:43:00.002-04:00

I saw this band on TV once. Probably twice. They sounded alright, but they looked like they were trying too hard. What's up with that? No, for real. What's going on there? The only good bands are the ones that already came out. Is that fucked? It might be. Bands dress like models now. I don't know if I wanna listen or buy their jeans. Music shouldn't be so shallow. It's supposed to be music, not a commercial. Kids listen to bands that already came out. So do adults.

I got this thing where I only think positive when I'm caffeinated. For the first hour of the day I really hate everything. Like, everything. I probably hate you, too. Who knows? The last time I woke up and was happy 15 minutes later was when I was in New Orleans. They got a real laid back vibe down there. Sometimes I wake up here and when I get on the subway I wanna hurt someone. Not seriously. I just wanna hurt them enough so they know they're invading my space. Step on their foot or something. Or maybe watch them trip getting out of the train. That would be cool. I really am a good person. No, for real, I am.

What happened to Koch?

2008-04-28T17:15:00.003-04:00

I have trouble retaining information. I can't retain information. I can retain information. I can only retain bad information for some weird reason. Like I can remember when shallow bitch ass punks call me out and hold the wrong things against me. i can remember when my parents criticize me for my decisions. I can't remember what I did three nights ago unless I think real hard. I also have trouble remembering conversations. That sucks. It sucks. Most people have this problem. At least I'm pretty sure they do. Nobody lingers on bullshit except drama queens.

I'm from New York City. A native. A real New Yorker to the bone. Nothing impresses me. Nothing. You don't. You can try, but you don't. All this goofy shit going on in the city now. People move here and get attracted to goofy shit. The bar with the corpses for tables. The guy who makes pizza with his toes. Goofy. The guy on the train who needs help. Not so goofy. But something to write home about. Or call your friend about at the next stop. That's fucked.

The city was never this goofy. A while ago the city was a cesspool with crime and shit. It was dangerous but charming. It's gone now. When I was a kid my parents made sure not to take me to certain places. When I was a teenager I got lost once. There was no condo with a doorman to ask for directions. Charming. Shit was different. The city was tough. We suck now. Homogenized and shit. We're fucked. Heard a yuppie a while back moaning and groaning about Target. Nobody would help him find his balls I guess. Go home jerk.

Allergic to reality

2008-04-24T14:36:00.004-04:00

I'm doing my best to make up for lost blogging time. The winter is Lazy to me. Now it's allergy season and my creativity is shbdsjvbndjgndfjv at best, so I'm gonna write so honestly that you won't even know what to do when you see me except offer me a hug or a box of Cracker Jacks which I hate by the way. I just sneezed all over my computer screen and there are there beautiful rainbow dots scattered all over the place. It's driving me nuts and making me choke on phlegm and laughter.

I'm on these meds and it says on the bottle "May Cause Drowsiness", but it doesn't say "May Cause Paranoia" which is what it's also doing and I'm not sure what I'm paranoid about because I feel insignificant enough to not have to be concerned with people coming after me. Every night I wake up at exactly 4 in the morning and the worst possible thought that I can think of gets into my head. One night it was watching people I don't even know dying in a war. Another night it was envisioning my uncle shooting himself. Another night it was wondering if my best friend was sabotaging me on purpose or by accident. Another night it was that I ran out of milk. I hate the spring.

Every other 10 seconds I have to sniff real hard. When I sniff my throat gets salty and my nose gets redder. I bought these really soft Kleenex but whatever they're made of is no match for mucus. How was this not proven in the Kleenex labs?

My head is fogged up--don't know what to do/say/think. I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and the Chili Peppers are on FM and that doesn't help. I can't write material because clearly what appears to be funny to me right now is everything that's wrong with what's wrong with everything. Like irony. That shit's not supposed to be funny...but is.

::sigh::

2008-04-20T14:41:00.003-04:00

I have been feeling so mothafuckin' apathetic lately that I don't even know what anything is anymore. I got this fucked up character flaw where I hate seeing people pissed off (odd considering I'm from the Mecca for curmudgeons) so when I see someone like that I dwell on it to a point where I should be featured on one of those weird HBO documentaries, sitting in a chair, backlighting, no music playing, the interviewer asks me, "Don't YOU get pissed off sometimes?" Well yeah, I do. And then I feel guilty about it because I'm still so naive and oblivious that I believe in a world where being cordial is not such a massive wish.

Is my blog supposed toy be funny? Cuz that wasn't.

I just wanna be a comedian. What more do I have to do except have great sets night in and night out?

LeBron James Boulevard (in 2010)

2008-04-16T18:56:00.003-04:00

When I was a little kid I had those multi-colored wooden blocks to build shit with. You know, there was a square, a rectangle, usually some sort of arc, a triangle, and maybe some other ones thrown in there. Well, I would always build a fort as tall as I could with as many blocks as I could only to see it tumble all over itself just as I was trying to add one of the last pieces. I looked around...and immediately began building it again.

This is how I feel about the Knicks, my favorite team in professional sports (yes, I like them more than the Giants, but there's been nothing to celebrate for the past 7 years).

The Knicks are rebuilding. I will be with them every step of the way as we get rid of the scrubs and make room on the payroll for superstars in 3 years. 3 years. It seems like a long way from now, but just as that fort came tumbling down there was an anticipation of building it right back up again. The Knicks have tumbled and we are left with nothing to do but look around, pick up the pieces, and begin building again. I have officially un-divorced myself from my team.

Fuck you Isaiah Thomas. And good riddance.

Quick memo

2008-04-15T17:17:00.003-04:00

Surrounded by Alpha's at all corners is no way for a geek to march through life. Ha! It's the only way, Bub, so get used to it.

Okay, about that last paragraph. I'm reading this compilation of essays by Lester Bangs and that was one seriously pissed off dude. I mean, before people really had a chance to be music snobs this guy already graduated from it. And the funny part is that there was, like, 3 genres of rock music to really lay claim as your own. He still found a way to beat 'em all to the punch. Any guy who drowns the overrated popularity for Led Zep with a much-desired admiration for The Troggs is all right in my book.

Anyway, I hate the spring. ACHOO!

And now an update from French Fry Head

2008-04-13T15:34:00.004-04:00

Holy sweet Jesus and all that is righteous by the way of the lazy hand! How fuckin' boring and unmotivated must one person be to limit his posting to once a month? I'll tell ya...not lazy at all, it's called chasing my dream. So what's happened in the past few weeks:

- American Idol continues to be the juggernaut of mediocrity that everyone can safely fall asleep knowing that there is no end in sight to that or the Iraqi war.

- Protest fever is in full swing to commemorate the Olympics in China this summer. Finally, a group who has the balls to not just stand in a cordoned off section of Central Park with signs and a Dave Matthews CD playing. We have REAL protesters who believe in chaos and destruction. Get that torch! GET IT!

- Hillary is still at it. We know you won some of the bigger states. We know you lived in the White House before. We know how rich and influenced and stained you are. Now go away...we're all trying to move on and you look desperate.

- Jose Canseco published another book about 'roids--this time ignoring Clemens and name dropping A-Rod. Hmmm...why did he mention the biggest name in baseball, who A) has yet to fail a drug test, and B) is only guilty of listening to Jose *talk* about steroids? Oh that's right, Rickie Weeks ain't exactly a name that can sell books (he's the 2nd basemen for the Milawaukee Brewers and as innocent of 'roid use as A-Rod is).

- The economy sucks. Oddly enough, if you were ever thinking of buying into the stock market now's the time to do it. Everything's cheap! It's like going to Best Buy the day after Christmas; you know everything is just as good in only a matter of time and yet, nobody;s around.

- I went to New Orleans to perform at the Comedy & Arts Festival. This was the most fun I've had since college. Period.

So it's been pretty eventful. Allergy season has arrived so I'm settling down and getting ready to ride the pollen wave of misery to mid-May. It won't be fun. It never is. Everything in my world slows down to a crawl, which isn't so bad when you think about it. I hope to post some more before turning into a hyperactive geek wolf in the summer, but, hey, nothing is blogged in stone.

Stand-up Comedy

2008-03-16T15:32:00.003-04:00

..is the only thing I can think to title this post and it's because I'm at a crossroads in comedy. Not in life. In comedy.

When you begin to perform stand up you really have no idea what you're getting into. You convince yourself that making people laugh and attempting to change the game are the only motivation you need. As time crawls by it begins to get more complicated. Eventually, you realize that it's literally impossible to stop doing comedy. You can't...fuckin'...stop! That's nuts. When I was just beginning I watched other comedians (both young and old, pros and amateurs) with judgmental eyes and ears. There were comedians who I thought, Why on earth does this guy/gal continue to do this? Clearly, they are not very good and can't even hold a midtown crowd of 12 on a Thursday at 8:30. HOW NAIVE!

Comedy is an addiction for me. Even if I somehow peter out and begin to suck it up on stage night in and night out, there is no way I could ever stop doing it. That's the trap. Maybe deep down some of these guys realize the ride is over and opportunity is gone. But you just can't stop doing this shit. It grabs you past the point of submission. That to me is what a comedian is.

Now here's a clip of Michel Gondry solving a Rubik's cube--with his nose.

Sound the alarm

2008-02-19T12:12:00.004-05:00

Stop, hey! What's that sound? Everybody look what's going down. In case you're still looking for a reason to support Obama then it's because he's the guy that's finally shutting up those Baby Boomers (who for some reason contradict their 'take it to the streets' mentality by getting behind Hillary). The most hilarious thing about those who only see Obama as a fad, a trend, or a speaker is that they are usually the ones who don't bother to look up his stance on issues (if that's still important in politics). But I digress. I don't wanna post about politics. I may fall asleep at my computer and catch fire when coffee spills on the keyboard.

Nope, today I'd like to mention the emotional growth of a short comedian and the image conscious society that stands in his way. It wasn't too long ago that this guy lay awake at night and wonder how he could turn comedy on it's head. Well, the equation is coming together bit by bit (pun intended). Every show is a battle for most performers. You're only as good as your last set and the most important thing is to make sure that there will always be another one. No small feat. However, beyond that goal rests another, which is winning over the naysayers and barreling through judgments. What can a rising comedian say or do when so much stands in the way of success? I'll tell ya: WARN EVERYBODY. 'Cuz he's coming--

And now a clip of Muhammed Ali and his 'recipe for life'. Enjoy.

There is a road that's paved

2008-02-04T16:57:00.000-05:00

For quite some time I have been swaggering around predicting a new direction for this country. I sit around and wonder when we can begin feeling optimistic again, like it's been so long since we have been able to enjoy anything around here. Well, things are starting to shape up.

After I cast my vote for Obama tomorrow I will perform a set 11 days before one of the most important shows of my life. How do I feel (other than neurotic)? I feel pretty fuckin' great.

For all the sarcasm and scathing commentary I aim at professional sports I will confess that I am a HUGE fan of my teams. Sports is my distraction the same way video games, shopping, or whatever the fuck you do in your spare time is yours. The Giants were not supposed to win the Super Bowl. The Patriots were an overwhelming favorite and hadn't lost a game all year. And to put this in a bit more perspective, the Patriots have something, like, 11 players going to the Pro Bowl. The Giants have one. One. And it's not even the quarterback.

The term 'underdog' is hideous to me. It's a gambling term that provides the wrong ideas for those who don't gamble. It automatically counts people out, but leaves room on the bandwagon just in case. The Giants were not the underdogs last night, they were the team that people paid less attention to. They were the team that worked harder, the cream that rose to the top. The Giants provided hope for anybody out there who sacrifices EVERYTHING for the sake of something they know they are meant to do. Maybe it's silly to other people how much I follow my teams, but those players face adversities the same way I face them. They work their asses off, I work my ass off. They stared in the face of doubt...and came through. This is why I love sports. Because it inspires me.

This is Eli to Tyree. 4th Quarter.

I wonder what's on the radio

2008-01-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

The recent writers strike has been nothing short of a travesty for television. The only good thing, so far, to come out of it is the cancellation of another self-congratulatory film awards show. Enough is enough. As an avid fan of late night and sketch programming I can honestly say that what's being put out there is garbage. I watch Conan and the only direction for the show to travel in is similar to daytime TV, which absolutely fuckin' blows. Not that I frown on Conan's banter with his staff, but the most compelling of his "bits" so far has been the timing of how long he can keep his wedding ring spinning on his desk. Ya-fuckin-hoo.

Television is no longer hip without writers. Television is blander than ever. And while I may continue to watch these programs I can tell you this: Television is a few short months away from becoming irrelevant in the face of the Internet.

Try selling that to your advertisers.

And now The Kids in the Hall; "The Daves I Know".

Get your election on

2008-01-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

Politicians are low life marionettes with nothing better to do than to cash in on the hopes of people who will earn a quarter of what they do. However, as we careen towards the 2008 presidential election I must use these candidates as a means of symbolism and not whatever the issue du jour is. (And by the way, the issues should never be what's important because at some point an idea is proposed that perks up brows, only to get smashed later on).

What this race is about is the collective psyche of a country that has had nothing positive to boast about in the past 8 or so years. We are sullen and have been. We're lost. We're creeped out as evidenced by the countless displays of art and entertainment that represent our current doom.

What if there was someone who inspired you? What if there was someone--who even though he's a politician and has a bullshit message attached to his flamboyant posters waved by mouth-breathing volunteers--convinces you that America ain't a bad place to be? What if there was someone who will still do the work of a president, but signify a direction in which this country desperately needs to travel in? What if there was someone who could radically EVOLVE our country.

Vote for Barack Obama. Please.

And now here's a clip from the film The Last Waltz directed by Scorcese and featuring the music of The Band. This is the opening credits. The song is called "Don't Do It", a Marvin Gaye cover.

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

2007-12-31T15:46:00.001-05:00

I Want My MTV (to fuckin' die)

2007-12-30T17:19:00.000-05:00

S.A. Crary's documentary Kill Your Idols is a spot on declaration of how MTV and fashion destroyed talent in music. The film (relaeased within the past year) takes a look at the "No Wave" art-rock scene of late 70's and early 80's NYC. The one that spawned the likes of Sonic Youth, Suicide, and Swans. A lot of the bands portrayed are no names and aren't even listener friendly, much less accessible, but this is why I ended up liking the film. At first it appeared as if I was watching yet ANOTHER pointless doc about some sort of movement that everyone missed the point on, only to self-congratulate itself throughout the whole thing. It was exactly the opposite.

Kill Your Idols shines a light on the bands that would eventually pave the way for other bands to actually become accessible and listener friendly while maintaining that sort of art shit cred. The present bands featured are Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Liars, A.R.E Weapons, and many others who are basically called out. With the exception of Gogol Bordello (also featured) the notion of these bands participating in a scene where the clothes and parties are more important is blatantly hammered home. And I like it.

I think one of the largest problems with music today is not that I'm getting old, but that the priorities are radically different than 20 years ago. People used to make music and create shows because they felt alienated, not because they wanted to be popular as is the case with a lot of today's bullshit.

I'm probably being unreasonable because today's "musicians" are not at fault for the way things devolved. In fact, I listen to a lot of their music with open ears. But the next time I hear about a brand new scene getting started as a result of a Skyy Vodka sponsorship, I'm taking my ball and going home.

This is a clip of the band Liars for the song Plaster Casts of Everything off of their self-titled album.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM FRENCH FRY HEAD

2007-12-24T22:37:00.001-05:00

3 Albums Nobody Talks About, But Should

2007-12-22T13:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts. Not since I went through my Klosterman phase have I truly examined anything in my music and/or movie collection. There was a time when all I would wanna talk about was the impact of pop culture on my friends and I, forcing the issue into any drunken conversation, would follow through. But...I don't drink anymore (which is a good thing which is a good thing which is a good thing [sigh]), therefore I look at pop culture in a recreational sense and occasionally work it into my stand-up. And so, without any further ado, I condescend upon to you, my "fans", 3 Albums Nobody Talks About, But Should:

(As usual, in no particular order)

Sea Change - Beck:

When Beck broke through with "Loser" in 93-94 it provided a perspective on where music was headed as it followed the release of Nirvana and battled grunge for artistic notoriety. Odelay followed and Beck legacy was cemented. What happened afterwards is a little foggy. Critics began hailing Beck as a Generation X Bob Dylan, which is a bit of a stretch when you think about it. In any case, Beck released two more albums (Mutations & Midnite Vultures) that were ill-received by the public. Some say Beck was creatively drained as a result of his lawsuit with his record label over a breach of contract. I don't. Beck was experimenting in both love and music and the two came to a blistering crash. The product of Beck's failures was Sea Change -- the quintessential break-up album since...since...Dylan's Blood on the Tracks.

Angel Dust - Faith No More:

Faith No More was one of the most interesting bands I ever had the pleasure of being a fan of. They hired Mike Patton as lead singer after earning some much-deserved indie/college radio cred. This was a smart move. Patton took 'em into the MTV era preceding Alternative music and they sort of got lost in the fray. I believe that was around 1990 when music had no idea what the fuck it wanted to be. Honestly, I would lump FNM into the same group as Jane's Addiction and The Pixies as groups who were ahead of their time. The singles "Epic" and "Falling To Pieces" did just enough to win over metal fans and FNM were well on their way, but with one minor snag--they were a creatively experimental band and that neither wins fans over or keep them in place. Angel Dust was ambitious and, if I might say so myself, fuckin' awesome. It was clearly one of those albums where they dug down deep and gave it their all, which ultimatelt became the downfall of the band as Patton decided to step away after touring and not one, but two guitarist were fired from the band. Angel Dust remains a classic in the ears of many 90's rock fans, but for some reason spelled the downfall of a band hardly respected by the clones that followed them.

Illmatic - Nas:

I can't stand hip-hop music in this era. Sometimes I listen to the radio or I check out something on the internet and I think, What happened? Here's what happened: the art became lost and the paper trail was placed before the eyes of the hungry. A lot of today's rappers seem empty. Nas, on the other hand, put out a debut album worthy of rivaling anything 2Pac, Biggie, or Jay-Z ever put out. Illmatic is such a masterpiece that for the next 6 years he was able to cash in on making mainstream albums and still retain his cred. I never bought into the lyrics-as-poetry classification that Nas was given, but on Illmatic it is evident. His fluid delivery provides listeners with the ability to capture the rapid fire imagery moment for moment. It's hard to believe doesn't get more respect than he does, but I guess that's what happens when you watch hip-hop destroy itself, and then put out an album declaring it's dead 11 years after singing it's praises.

Okay, so I was originally gonna make this post 5 albums, but gosh darn it, I can't think of two more. Besides, with today's blogosphere fully in tact your attention span wouldn't make it past three anyway so I hope you enjoyed what I gave you and feel free to add your own in the comments section.

I'd feel bad for Bon Jovi's candidate

2007-12-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

Last week Oprah Winfrey stood side by side with one of our presidential candidates. I can't remember his name, but I'm sure he's a handsome fella. Anyway, in what could be considered one of the finest travesties of our nation it's safe to say that our priorities are officially screwed up. There's a lot of talk now about Obama beating out Hillary for that Democratic nomination and quite honestly, I'd be a little miffed if he did at this point. I'm not a Hillary supporter, but ideally i was looking for a candidate to represent change, a fresh start, and well, I guess Obama qualifies...but this is not what I had in mind.

I am a man of progress, risk taking, and change because I get so bored with the status quo that it's necessary to shake things up. However, the advent of celebrities as election tools has only drilled the notion of popularity over reality into the minds of the public. 30, 000 (!) people filled a football stadium in South Carolina to watch Oprah and Obama, but I'm willing to bet only a small percentage of them really know what isues he stands for. Before you know it, The Rolling Stones will be sponsoring Giuliani and Hannah Montana will be lobbying for--shit, I don't know--Joe Biden. Whatever. I guess my bottom line is that I have feared the day that somebody entered a voting booth and asked, "Who was that guy that Oprah liked? Oh right--him!!" (sigh) And it is here.

Now check out this clip of a tiger raping a dog. Yes, you read that correctly. Internet!

Sorting it out

2007-12-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

I get why it's so hard to keep up with posting these blog things: Nobody's interested. If there's one thing to take away from the current Technological Revolution it's that as individuals we have all been given a voice, albeit in the same medium. So yes, while we all have My Space/Facebook pages, personal web sites, ring tones, etc. to define our personality, we really aren't any more if an individual then we think we are. Like it or not, we're all the same. At least in the regard to consumerism and innovation.

I've been slacking off with my blog because for the same reason I don't care to hear the rants (read: complaints) of a weathered office clerk in line with me at the Key Food, nobody else gives a hog's snout about my opinion. Entertaining? Maybe. Essential? Fuck no. I guess that's why everybody tries to make their creativity stand out from the rest. Truth of the matter is that the more similar you are to everyone else, the further you advance.

Unless you're like me and give a shit about expressing, then advancing (not the other way around). That's why I get lazy with my blog. If I ain't got nothing to say, I don't say it. I just wish that freak at the supermarket followed the same logic.

Here's a clip of the Red Hot Chili Peppers performing "Fight Like A Brave" live at a skate park in California 20 years ago. The song is from the album The Uplift Mofo Party Plan.

It's just a day of the week

2007-11-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

It's a holiday weekend and just as we remember to be grateful and give thanks to what we're fortunate to have, we must also go shopping. Happy Holidays!

And now on with this post: I am one of the pitiful few who suffer from what is known as seasonal depression. Truth of the matter, it has a lot to do with a positive role model shooting himself in the face when I was younger. This happened on December 14th and I was 15 at the time. But beyond that, there's something about December that makes me feel like I'm in a remake of The Blob and I'm doomed. Everywhere I turn there is no escape from Christmas and Consumerism. If you are in fact the festive type, then congratulations. But just as I don't like people shoving their militant political beliefs in my face, I don't want them to shove their militant holiday celebrations in there either.

I'm not a miserable Jew. I'M A GODDAMN HUMAN BEING! If what you call festive means grandstanding and forcing others to endure your ridiculous traditional bullshit then I hope your tree catches on fire. Besides, I want presents, too. No fair.

And now a clip of one of my most recent favorite comedians, Will Franken. Will is based out of San Francisco and will be appearing throughout NYC in the next couple of weeks. Please catch him as he launches a javelin into the status quo and shows his balls to audiences who may think what he does is "interesting." In this clip, Will gives a voice to suburban ignorance. For more: www.WillFranken.com

Root root root for whatever

2007-11-18T19:51:00.000-05:00

Barry Bonds has been indicted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. This makes me giddy because if he is found guilty then we finally have a case against the president. Haw haw! But enough politics. The sad truth about this whole Bonds mess is that compared to other athletes (Michael Vick) and other horrible actions (Isaiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury, and the entire Knicks organization) Bonds didn't really do shit. Sure, he lied to the government--but it serves them right I suppose. What I'm getting at is this should be a MLB matter and all Big Barry did was try to get a competitive edge. I'm not sticking up for the man because personally I think he's a jack-ass who cheated because his ego and agent convinced him to. All I'm saying is that at most his records should be stricken from the books and he should be exiled from baseball for good. I mean, the guy wanted to succeed at his game. He's basically on trial for his own arrogance whereas killing animals, degrading women, and paralyzing bodyguards in Vegas merely takes a back seat. If all Bonds really did was lie then he was truly partaking in the American Pastime.

Now here's one of my most recent favorite SNL clips: People punched just before eating.

Grab your sippy cup, Junior

2007-11-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

Whatever you do, don't run out of energy. Don't you do it...don't...don't you dare. This weird obsession of not taking time to rest or sleep is really kinda freakin' me out. How far are these energy drinks gonna go to keep people awake and what's the big deal with catching a few Z's every now and again? When I browse the refrigerator at the local bodega it's astounding how many drinks contain caffeine, ginseng, taurine, or any other combination of something the FDA deems okay to pump into your system. I think I even read somewhere that in January PepsiCo will be unveiling Pepsi Meth with Iggy Pop as it's spokesman. Before you know it they'll be opening clinics to cater to those with a Red Bull "problem" and families will begin suing Rock Star Beverage because their kids are shoplifting and shoving firecrackers into small animals as a result of a binge.

Here's what's up: These drinks and all other related "energy products" thrive on the notion that your social life is more important than your health. They need you to stay awake lest you miss something important. At the same time, it's essential to stay awake so you can stay out late and then it's even more essential that you stay awake and make it through work the next day. So crack open a Jolt and don't you dare shut those peepers.

Na, seriously: GET SOME SLEEP!

And now a clip of DJ Kodh of France performing a routine at the ITF World Championships in 2003.

Transcript, 11/5/07

2007-11-08T17:10:00.000-05:00

On Monday, November 5th, Charlie Kasov produced a show at the Time Out NY Lounge called "Off Year Election Comedy". The idea was to gather a bunch of comedians and talk about local politics and share stories from each of our respective home towns. I chose to do a character because I don't know shit about politics. The character is a recently elected mayor giving his victory speech and modeled in the same vein of Stephen Colbert with the intention of being satirical. The result: I bombed horribly. But I did have fun doing the show and writing the speech so rather than let it go to waste I figured I'd post it. Here it is, enjoy:

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING MY FELLOW NEW YORKERS. I APPRECIATE SO VERY MUCH THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK WITH YOU TONIGHT.

MR. KASOV HAS PUT FORTH HIS BEST EFFORTS AND FOR THAT, I THANK HIM. HIS STAUNCH RECORD OF HILARITY DISTINGUISHES HIM FROM MANY OTHER DOE-EYED HEBREWS WHO HAVE MORE KNOWLEDGE OF SWEDISH ECONOMIC POLICY THAN MOST CARE TO POSSESS.

I AM THANKFUL TO YOU THE SUCKERS—UH, VOTERS, THE PEOPLE OF THIS FINE CITY FOR SETTING ASIDE YOUR DIFFERENCES IN ORDER TO BOOST MY EGO AND HATE MYSELF A TINY BIT LESS THAN USUAL. POLITICS CAN BE TOUGH AND WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF YOU, MY MISTRESS, AND THE PEOPLE WHO TELL ME WHAT TO SAY, I’D BE LOST.

I WANT TO THANK MY FATHER UP IN HEAVEN. HEAVEN, NEW HAMPSHIRE…A SMALL TOWN WITH A HEALTHY POPULATION WHERE MAPLE SYRUP IS USED ON EVERYTHING FROM A CONDIMENT TO AN ALTERNATIVE FOR SHAMPOO.

AND I WANT TO THANK MY MOTHER FOR ADDING TO THE HUMANISTIC ANGLE OF THIS SPEECH. WE DID IT…

I AM OPTIMISTIC THAT WE WILL SUCCEED AS A CITY AGAINST TOURISTS--UH, TERRORISTS. I AM OPTMISTIC THAT THERE WILL BE CHANGE AND PROGRESS AND OTHER WORDS YOU LIKE TO HEAR. I AM OPTIMISTIC…ABOUT…OPTIMISM.

TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE PUBLIC SCHOOLS MORE THAN GLORIFIED DAY CARE AND A PLACE TO GET MILK, BUT A PLACE FOR KIDS TO PICK UP THEIR VERY OWN PAIR OF SMARTY PANTS. SMARTY…PANTS

TOGETHER, WE WILL MOVE THE CITY INTO THE NEXT PHASE THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW: WITH REAL ESTATE DEVELOPMENT…AND HIPSTERS…AND BROOKLYN…AND STARBUCKS.

TOGETHER WE WILL GESTURE LIKE THIS WHENEVER…WE…SPEAK…IN…PUBLIC

TOGETHER, WE WILL…BE…A…CITY…THAT…IS TOGETHER…WHEN A CITY…GETS TOGETHER…AS A CITY.

NEW YORK CITY IS STEEPED IN TRADITION. FROM WALL STREET…TO STREET GRAFITTI…TO FITTY CENT…TO CENTURY 21…TO 21 TO DRINK, 18 TO PARTY…TO PARTY CITY…TO SEX & THE CITY…TO THE SEX MUSEUM…TO THE MUSEUM OF TRANSPORTATION…TO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION…TO THE R TRAIN…TO THE G TRAIN…TO RG DANIELS!

TONIGHT HAS BEEN AN HONOR. IT HAS BEEN AN HONOR TO SPEAK WITH YOU IN A VERY, VERY SERIOUS MANNER ABOUT THE ISSUES THAT MATTER INSTEAD OF THE ISSUES THAT DON’T MATTER…LIKE THE WAR AND MY PRIOR HISTORY OF EMBEZZLMENT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

(“Okay, I’m done. Start the helicopter!”)

Coming Soon to a sanity level near you...

2007-11-07T17:29:00.000-05:00

Well well well...the clocks are set back, the sun goes down at 3 p.m., and the holidays are right around the corner. Hip Hip Who Cares?!?

If there is one thing to reflect upon as it gets colder on the East Coast it is this: they've got us where they want us. There will be no escape from the reminders that we must run out and stock up on gifts lest we forget anyone. But that's not what I'm blogging about today.

Today I am going to write about another holiday tradition. See, this is also the time of year where movie studios save up all the good stuff and bombard us with what they believe to be their very own Oscar contenders or--in an attempt to cater to wannabe film buffs--the more "quirkier" pictures. BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! Except there ain't no pirates or robots or Orlando Blooms here, fella. What we do have are costume dramas from the Victorian era and plots about brothers and sisters who are unpredictably reunited after a parent is diagnosed with a terminal disease. We also get the filmmakers whose movies would be just as good any other time of the year, but for some reason there's a desire to release them during the season of impatient crowds.

These films get released in November/December to make the deadline for Academy Awards nominations, which is proof that these award shows are popularity contests driven by politics. Otherwise I'd be sitting in a nice empty theater in April with a Cherry Coke watching the new Coen Bros. flick instead of dodging Macy's bags and Santa Beggers with those annoying bells.

And hey, well, at least it was a fruit pie:

I don't think we'll be hearing Smoke on the Water

2007-10-26T19:49:00.000-04:00

The widlfires in California are finally dying down and things seems to be getting back to normal. How do I know? The owner of the San Diego Chargers announced that this Sunday's Chargers game will be played at (Corporately Named) Stadium. Yippee! Everything is back to normal! That's a relief. For a second I thought the destruction and sadness might overwhelm me, but thank God we are back to normal. I am a sports fan and I am always willing to accept tragedy on the grounds that the solution lies in moving forward...but nobody cares about football over there (so I assume) and the space can be used for refuge. Think, people, think.

On a related note: As I type this I'm pretty sure there are plans for a benefit concert to help those affected by the fires. Which is to suggest that we, as a nation, must collectively reach into our hearts and help out those families that suffered the damages inflicted on their million dollar ranch homes. I mean, what now? They're gonna have to move into their summer homes only it'll be year round. NO WAY! Somebody call Bon Jovi, John Mayer, Fergie, Kanye West, Paul Simon, and half of the Rolling Stones and get this thing started!

(Did I just post contradictory thoughts? Fuck it, I'm hungry).

And now this is as close to acknowledging Halloween that I'll come. There are a lot of these clips of anime accompanying songs or in some cases, comedians. Some of them are extremely well done. Like this one featuring anime from something I probably never heard of and don't care about with music by RZA's side project in the 90's, Gravediggaz. The song is "Diary of a Madman".

At this point, I probably found what I was looking for

2007-10-22T17:18:00.000-04:00

I'm never the type of person to judge someone's art based on the message. However, the intent is something entirely different altogether. A band like U2, who has done nothing short of sounding universal enough to sell themselves to the general public on the grounds that they are a band that matters, is an example of scattered logic. Bono has stepped to the plate on many occasions to battle whatever the cause-du-jour happens to be at the time. And then he gives the zippy-dee-doo-dah, A-Okay for the limited edition U2 iPod. Well, which is it Bono? Corporate shill or nonpartisan renegade? Where does the PR end and the concern begin? I NEED TO KNOW!

I understand that U2 has chosen to do something positive with their music and fame and whatever, but I fear it comes at the cost of being image-based. Then again, they are the universal darlings of rock and roll. I mean, you try skipping over one of their toe-tappers when it plays over the supermarket PA.

And now in honor of the NBA season beginning in a couple of weeks, this is the NBA's best player Kobe Bryant introducing Steve Nash to abuse.

Where art thou, Adam Curry?

2007-10-20T14:48:00.000-04:00

There is only one network that could possibly make the boring lives of twentysomethings into something palatable. And that network is MTV. I have never seen more uninteresting characters and people than when I tune in to this travesty of entertainment. Booze hounds, sluts, angry minorities, virgins, musicians, "poets", wannabes, and flakes. You name it...THEY GOT IT!

If you wanna cater to the 24 and under demographic then all you need to do is play music again. No need to show off the things you deem entertainment and drama when really it's a guise for who will turn out to be a bland loser in therapy in 10 years. The party needs to end sometime, MTV, and if you ask me you should oblige to the M in your title. Otherwise, you're just TV.

Here is a clip of You Tube star Brandon Hardesty doing one of his crowd pleasing movie re-enactments. This particular clip is of on e of my most recent favorite movies, Pan's Labyrinth.

American Anorexic

2007-10-16T10:57:00.000-04:00

Throughout my personal record-setting 6+ weeks of unemployment there's been a lot of horrible TV to stumble upon. I know I don't speak for everyone when I say this, but the next TV show to center around fashion models is gonna make me wanna smash in some car windows. Scripted shows aside, there is no need to glorify the pseudo-drama that these twits endure. Nobody cares what models have to say because they're destiny in life is to look good (depending on how you define that). I mean, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MODEL, NOT SPEAK! I didn't choose your career, no need to make us all suffer.

On to other news: The next episode of Sarcasting is finally taking shape. My special guest is confirmed. The bits are being written. Everything is in motion and look for it before Thanksgiving. Also, this may very well be the series finale for Sarcasting. No final decision has been made, but it's a 70/30 chance that I will end it following this episode.

And now to celebrate my return to blogging after a prolonged absence (still awaiting the results of The Andy Kauffman Award), here is former Misfits lead singer Glen Danzig being put to sleep.

My lack of posting

2007-10-08T10:42:00.000-04:00

I am continuing to campaign for The Andy Kauffman Award and therefore leaving my video up here until the last possible minute. Laziness has nothing to do with my drop in posts. I just really, really, really, really, want to go to Vegas to compete. Thanks for your support.

Also, the latest episode of Sarcasting is taking longer than usual. There is no excuse for this but if I had to make one I'd blame society. You can, too. It's fun.

The Andy Kauffman Award

2007-09-23T02:12:00.000-04:00

This is my submission for The Andy Kauffman Award where 8 finalists will get picked to perform at Caesars Palace in Vegas in November. Wish me luck.

We're going back to back to back to back to back to--

2007-09-19T16:39:00.000-04:00

I happened to catch a rerun of Entourage one night this week. And then I caught another. And then another. And then ANOTHER! AND THEN ANOTHER!! And then...you get the point. Listen here networks, if your fans are in place, but you're too insecure about that number, then it's time for a deep breath and a nap. Cramming a show down our throats because you think we'll eventually pay attention is no way to generate an audience. HBO aside, there are way too many of you doing this and quite frankly, I don't see myself jumping on the How I Met Your Mother bandwagon this late in the game. SO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!

In other FFH news, I appreciate and thank all who tuned in to Outside the NFL with Mad Dog Mattern. This week's episode will be up on You Tube sometime tomorrow. As for Sarcasting, I am still working on Episode #6, but had to scratch the original plans for the latest episode, thus causing me to start all over. Hang in there, I hope to have it out there in mid-October.

Now here's a clip of...of...of Jar Barf.

[sigh]

2007-09-16T02:37:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently committed to a life of sobriety that I am willing to give a shot on my own based on his will. This, of course, also combined with the fact that I completely Travis Bickle'd myself on stage this past week.

I don't usually rely on alcohol or any other substance for anything other than the usual ice breaker or emotion extinguisher. Sometimes, though, it just tastes great. You know what doesn't taste great? Failure, guilt, and embarrassment.

Oh, and Whoppers...those little candies that seem like chocolate covered moth balls. They taste like shit.

This is Bill Burr on Late Show with David Letterman

The 11 O'Clock News (like in that Will Ferrell movie)

2007-09-10T23:48:00.000-04:00

BRITNEY SPEARS DID WHAT?????????

Listen, the local news tonight didn't report on General Petraeus' testimony until the 6th story. Let's get our priorities in order and understand that MTV, along with their "awards show", died many, many years ago. In fact, they should remove the 'M' from the name of the network altogether. But that's not what I'm getting at here...

Our media-encouraged superficialities have hit an all-time low with this latest Britney episode and when the war only gets coverage on a slow news day, that's sad. I suppose the only way to begin covering Iraq is by incorporating little inside jokes to get people to understand and pay attention like, "The U.S. decided today to begin dropping copies of Britney's VMA performance on insurgents in Iraq." Haw haw! "General Petraeus testified today like they did in that movie A Few Good Men which starred Tom Cruise & Jack Nicholson." Tee hee! "And finally in the news, White House officials rented Platoon, Deer Hunter, Apocalypse Now, and Coming Home before realizing what they had done."

And now, friends and readers, The Dead Kennedys. Enjoy.

My list of TiVo shows

2007-09-09T13:32:00.001-04:00

I don't know why, but I feel the need to share the shows I have programmed to be digitally recorded. Oh, now I know why...because the Internet is the perfect outlet for pointless information. Here ya go:

Late Night with Conan O'Brien (NBC)

The Henry Rollins Show (IFC)

Iron Chef: America (The Food Network)

Entourage (HBO)

Flight of the Conchords (HBO)

Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

Survivor (CBS)

The Office (NBC)

120 Minutes (VH-1 Classic)

Ebert & Roeper (Fox)

The Sports Reporters (ESPN)

South Park (Comedy Central)

Scrubs (NBC)

Real World/Road Rules Challenge (MTV)

Saturday Night Live (NBC)

And of course the occasional documentary about whatever seems interesting on the program guide. (Most recently I caught a VH-1 special called Classic Albums about Nirvana's Nevermind)

I am ready for some football

2007-09-06T13:11:00.000-04:00

If there's ever been a bona fide reminder of the baseball season lasting waaaay too long, it's the beginning of the NFL season. I, like many other American robots, look forward to the start of football season for many reasons.

One, I get the chance to verbally abuse and destroy fellow fans in a forum that's not conducive to violence via trash talk. See, trash talk is really the only thing left that we can collectively as a nation call "American." Everybody does it and by golly gee whiz, we Americans have perfected it (political ads, talk shows, game shows, 80's movies that climax with some sort of competition, your parents during the divorce, the list goes on and on).

Next, the NFL is something that I can enjoy as a bachelor. Too may times I find myself trudging home empty-hearted and wondering if I'll find a woman interesting enough to keep me interested. Until football season starts. There's nothing better than sleeping in, grabbing a Daily News and a bagel, and watching 8 hours (and then some) of football while some of my friends are brunching it up and spending their days at the Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Enjoy your mamosas fellas, I'll text you the score at halftime.

Finally, hot wings. They taste great when your team's a winner and yet, when your team's losing nothing quite punctuates the sting like deep-fried mutant chicken parts doused in Tabasco. (As a Giants fan, I'll have to get used to the latter this season.)

Enjoy your kick-off.

Now here's a clip of Chris Rock on Late Show with David Letterman with his take on Barry Bonds.

ACE!

2007-09-05T12:04:00.000-04:00

15, Love! Grab your Ray-Bans and insert a bigger stick in your ass because the US Open is in full swing! All the stars have made their way to The Big Apple including Venus, Serena, American Express, and that guy who nobody can beat and, so, has single-handedly made tennis even more boring than it was before hot Russian blondes started giving me wood by repeatedly grunting. It's all the excitement of watching nothing without having to do anything at all.

When a network charges millions by the second for television ads it's one thing. But when I go the park to read my book, possibly get some fries from the Shake Shack, the last thing I want is some 19-year old chubs handing me a tennis itinerary and psyching me into thinking that I love a sport for post-post-Victorian snobs. Just because there's no more middle class doesn't mean we have to start gettin' behind this shit.

And now here's a clip of Nirvana performing "Drain You" live in Amsterdam in 1991 before all the hubbub.

Summer Wrap Up

2007-09-01T13:24:00.001-04:00

The days of summer are falling behind us and as we gather on this Labor Day weekend I'd like to share a few things I learned while (seemingly) checking my soul at the door of a temp job at a global bank for the past 9 weeks.

First, I learned that EVERYONE deserves a chance and no matter how much of an arrogant prick they may project themselves to be there is still a wealth of information and stories and experiences and knowledge they have that you don't. Talk to people, express yourself, and don't ever hold anything against someone whether it's because they work in an office, read a certain author, tell a certain joke, or because of who they're dating. STOP BEING PETTY!

I learned that there's more to lose by not taking risks than by playing it safe. There's a reason being conservative is boring and ineffective. You need to TRY THINGS. Quit being a creature of habit, enjoy something different even if it means you'll hate it because at least you'll come away knowing that you gave it a shot and, well, that's worth sharing.

I learned that while I truly feel I grew up and witnessed the last great decade of American life (the 90's) I also realize that I am merely mimicking the irrational behaviors of stuck-up Baby Boomers who still think they run everything. Truth of the matter is that THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO COME. We are in dark days, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I'd say in less than 3 - 5 years we will begin to love again. There will be new movements in music, art, film, and it will all be because we survived this horrible era of history. Remember: the only way new ideas come to the forefront is when those who are thinking them are too frustrated with what's currently available. Think about it, and nice knowin' ya Dane Cook.

I learned how to blog.

I learned that smiling is better than drinking.

I learned that I have A LOT more to learn.

And now to close out the Summmer of '07, perhaps one of my best, here are The Ramones as they appeared on The Simpsons from a season too early for me to remember.

Pls stop, thx :)

2007-08-24T19:52:00.000-04:00

PPPBBBBB PPPBBBBB

::::FLIP::::

"Hey everyone! Don't forget to come to my self-important gathering! So self-important, in fact, that I just technologically masturbated you with a mass text message! I'm awesome!!!"

::::FLIP::::

I'd like to personally strangle the cell phone exec who greenlit the idea to include a mass text message feature into cell phones. It's bad enough that at any given moment someone in Tuscaloosa could punch up the LES on Google Maps and quite possible, catch me picking my nose at the corner of A & 1st, but now this??? At the rate we're going there will be no escape from trivial announcements that cost you 15 cents for every message sent. Hmmm...HEY!!!! No fair.

And now check out this clip of bloopers from the hit TV series Friends, perhaps the only show in history where the bloopers are funnier than the actual program.

In this month's issue of We Need To Sell Pages

2007-08-21T20:14:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wonder who the greatest singer is, the greatest band is, the hottest babe is, or what the greatest movie is, the greatest TV show is, or the hottest destination for sushi. And tha-hank God that the publishing world has got me covered because without the aid of Maxim or Spin I just don't know if I would ever have an opinion. Truth is ever since these top 100 lists of Things We Will Never Think Twice or Debate About started replacing real life articles, the world of magazines has become even more repulsive than the editors who choose these topics. Nostalgia sells because we all have trouble moving on from our past, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! You mean to tell me Guitar World and Arts & Leisure have the final say?? Shenanigans! The beauty of art, however you debate that term, is that it is free of rank and open to opinion. I'd lie if I said I never argued in a bar about films or music, but I'm open to your argument about why you think Raising Arizona is inferior to Galaxy Quest...unlike a room of interns at Hearst Publishing who need to make a deadline.

Here's a clip of Beck performing "Guess I'm Doing Fine", which for my money is one of the greatest break-up songs ever written off one of the grestest break-up albums ever produced, 2002's Sea Change.

One way or another, I'm gonna git'cha git'cha git'cha git'cha

2007-08-19T12:52:00.000-04:00

Patience is one of the most delicious courses on the menu and yet, some people still refuse to try it. I know what's out there and I know what will be mine, but for the time being I'm relaxing. I can't count how many friends in the past few weeks I've said this to: IT'S NOT ABOUT THE WINS & LOSSES, IT'S ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES. It's been a rough year since last summer for me, but the struggle is finally beginning to pay off. I know you're out there and I'm coming. Just so you know...

On a completely unrelated note, a brand new Sarcasting is in the process of being drafted and I don't wanna reveal much. All I can say is that this might be the first two-parter in the series and there will be a special guest involved. Stay tuned. And stay alive.

Now here's Bill Plympton, one of the most original humorists/animators that I can remember from the 90's with a 6 minute short called, Push Comes To Shove.

Now boarding...

2007-08-13T21:24:00.001-04:00

Over the past 10 years I have only left NYC 3 times and this includes college. I once attempted to go across the country by Amtrak in one of those post-college freak outs that ended up with me getting back together with an ex who listened to pop radio and loved the manic depressive donkey from that Winnie the Pooh cartoon. The other time was a trip to Virginia Beach after that same ex took my heart and put it in a food processor, but at least I was down there to do stand-up..and I hooked up twice.

NYC has always been the city for me, tried and true. No other place has ever come close. But, it's time to take a trip. Where will I go????? I'm thinking somewhere in Oklahoma or maybe Missouri or perhaps even in Montana because I'd like to get away from the ridiculous display of mediocrity that has successfully sunk my beloved city to a level of glorified strip mall and family friendly fun that can only be supplied by real estate developers and billionaires--you know, the guys who know how to have fun. At least in those other places I'm likely to find the charm and homegrown culture that this city used to boast about before it became Los Angeles II. 30 years ago NYC was considered a bankrupt war zone. And now, it is full of Disney and overpriced desserts and stage musicals of movies that only appeared in theaters where these fanny packin' monsters who are staring at lights come from.

Now here's a clip from the documentary Scratch featuring Mix Master Mike scratching Robert Johnson's "Rambling On My Mind" in front of the Dead Prez beat, "It's Bigger Than Hip-Hop".

So long backwards 'R', it was nice growing up with ya

2007-08-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

Remember when children were only consumers on Saturday mornings and not for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?? Remember when the Joy of Painting was the cue to go outside and play?? Remember when there were rules?? Remember when the only funny shapes that a corporation could use as a selling point was the alphabet?? Do you?? Do you remember??

If the final frontier of experience and wisdom is to have a child then I whole-heartedly support the decision to be a parent. Otherwise, you're being callous, selfish, and downright irresponsible if you're creating life because you think you can/should. The well-rounded parents of the US are the ones who have waited the longest as a result of boning up on what the world (read: Wall Street) is going to throw at their kids. Kids are spoiled?? NO! Parents are uneducated and unprepared. It's bad enough that technology and the media are already gunning for their next round of lil' customers, but to think that a mother or father is competing in The Great Influence on Behavior Race is stupid. Because a good parent isn't even in the race, a good parent is the head coach.

And now, this:

Beastie Boys 8.9.07

2007-08-10T04:44:00.000-04:00

Tonight I saw the Beastie Boys perform at McCarren Pool in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. This is the set list:

Hello Brooklyn
Root Down
Slow and Low
Super Disco Breakin'
Sure Shot
The Biz vs. The Nuge
Time For Livin'
Gratitude
Suco de Tangerina
Heart Attack Man
Eugene's Lament
Alright Hear This
Pass the Mic
Paul Revere
Body Movin'
Shake Ya Rump
The Rat Cage
In 3's
Lighten Up
Egg Raid on Mojo
Remote Control
Letter To NYC
(Run from RUN DMC intro) Ch-Ch-Check It Out
3 MC's & 1 DJ
So What'cha Want

ENCORES:
Mixmaster Mike Scratch solo
Intergalactic
Sabotage

2nd ENCORE:
No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

It's a beautiful day for reinvention

2007-08-06T19:43:00.000-04:00

Got yourself a case of the Gloomy Pants do ya? Have no fear! Wanting something you can't have only serves as a means to motivate. Your self-worth is only validated by what YOU do, not by what Dr. Phil says. It's true, there is life after 3:59 p.m. If sittin' back with a Snapple and a magazine is your answer to lack of productivity, then French Fry Head thanks you for vacating an opportunity. Cut your losses, MAKE A GODDAMN SACRIFICE, and quit worrying about disturbing the interests of the people on your My Space list. It'll build character.

And now a scene from Made starring Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, and the guy who played the grandpa in Princess Bride, Peter Falk.

Good to be back

2007-08-03T20:40:00.000-04:00

I took a week and a half off from blogging to collect my shit and recover from the last Sarcasting. I get burned out--not just by the fact that I am a comedy bloodhound looking for opportunity, or even that I balance a most unusual day & night schedule, but because sometimes I get so fed up with everything that my brain deflates. Between a conveniently passive aggressive population that is way more cruel then they let on, to the realization that our government is an endless parade of cue card pandering jerk-offs, to looking at myself in the mirror with my iPod and Starbucks and wanting to punch myself in the ear. I get fed up. I think it's time to step it up and find a woman. But I need to find one who doesn't A) bore the living fuck out of me, B) live in Brooklyn, and C) claim to love a 'bad boy'. Ladies, when you say you like a 'bad boy' you may as well come right out and say, "I'd really like to find a guy who will lower my self-esteem more than it already is by threatening me in front of my friends and whacking off in my face." C'mon, JUST SAY IT! And quit dreamin' it...cunt.

Now check out Hulk Hogan in a Japanese commmercial from '92. And stay off the roids, kids.

Sarcasting: Episode #5

2007-07-24T19:31:00.001-04:00

Review: The Rochelle Show

2007-07-24T19:22:00.000-04:00

When the Marx Brothers broke out of vaudeville and hit the screen it was a monumental moment in comedy that continues to have an impact today. Similarly, The Rochelle Show is a brand new approach to a forum that desperately needs to refresh itself before it becomes stale or worse, extinct. Seasoned actress Sue Ball, who plays lead character Rochelle, might be the person to do it.

Comedy has always flourished on the idea of destruction, whether it is of ideals, traditions, or even physical harm, comedy never works unless someone is at the receiving end. The Rochelle Show is an all-out demolition derby of improv and character work that uses not just the dysfunctions of humanity, but the atypical approach to comedy as its targets. Beyond its originality lies it’s willingness to travel warp speed into a tunnel of fantastic chaos, ultimately leaving the mark of Rochelle on all who bear witness.

The show begins with Ball’s character stating her disdain for her husband who grotesquely chooses “Asian massage parlors” and strip clubs over his off-center wife. In attendance is her embittered son, Carl (played by Bob Bell). The outspoken offspring stands; potato chip bag and cut-off denim shorts in tow, and heckles Rochelle as she claims her right to be a stand-up comedienne (a running gag throughout the performance).

As the show continues there are various characters (played fervently by actors Mike Dobbins, Ann Carr, etc.) spread throughout the audience and/or brought to the stage. There is even the occasional straight stand-up comedian, but the challenge is ever present to win over Rochelle and her den of oddballs. The audience is blindsided by one character after the other as The Rochelle Show rises to a crescendo of humor that has so far gone unseen in comedy. Think Tony ‘n Tina’s Wedding if you were smacked up on hard drugs and got whipped in the hip with a Whiffle bat.

The bottom line is that The Rochelle Show is innovative, progressive, and a jolt of imagination in an era where it’s called for. The Rochelle Show delivers us from boredom and certifies that a renaissance is on its way. In fact, the only disadvantage it faces is if it’s missed.

9:30
Mo Pitkins
Avenue A bet. 2 & 3 Streets
NO COVER

More info: http://www.myspace.com/therochelleshow

Land That I Love

2007-07-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

We're full speed ahead for the 2008 Presidential election and this year's bumper crop of clowns, tools, and puppets is looking worse than ever. It's the same promises, the same mannerisms, and the same kowtowing this country is all too familiar with. Voter turnout amongst young people is still waaaaaaay low and deservingly so. Why are we so Goddamn apathetic the old folk ask??? Because our system is fucked up and stupid as evidenced by the 2000 election; and because our candidates, no matter what side they choose, will always come off as vapid, patronizing clumps of uselessness. WE SEE THROUGH YOU!! What we want is honesty. If you want a brand new day in America then be a fuckin' man (or woman)! Say you don't believe in God, that religion is something less sophisticated countries fight for, and that our economy can only be fueled by a strong, healthy population as a result of socialized health care. Go ahead, I dare you....

Also, Sarcasting: Episode #5 is juuuuust about ready to go. I will be shooting one more bit and putting the final editing touches on it this weekend. In fact, I have bypassed Coney Island's Siren Festival to work on it. In the meantime, here is Kid Koala doing a scratch version of Basin Street Blues with animation directed by Kid himself, and drawn by his cousin (name unknown).

And now a word from our sponsor...

2007-07-18T22:34:00.000-04:00

I watched the first 8 or so minutes of this "Catch a Predator" and immediately turned it off because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be amused or appalled. Now, it's bad enough that these men are seriously fucked up and lonely, but now they are being humiliated by a guy who probably porked a few teenies in his days doing live remotes from Macaroni Grills in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And worse...people love this shit!! But check this out Must-See-TV'ers! What kind of companies salivate at the chance for ad time on this hit program?? Yellow Book, Lysol, Verizon, Toyota, and all the fall previews of NBC's quality programming you can add to your checklist. I guess everyday products and services are good enough to target the sick fucks who are entertained by pedophiles, but well, not so much the pedophiles I suupose. Now that's what I call good, wholesome entertainment from the same network that gives us Deal or No Deal & Last Comic Standing.

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Air Supply ain't got shit on me

2007-07-17T18:14:00.000-04:00

Here's some pussy fag sappy bullshit in case you were wondering if I ever felt that way: I think about love more than anything else. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKIN' IDEA! What I do know is that love is one of those things that is worth the reward once the wait is over. I also know that from being in love I can honestly say it is the universal acceptance of another's soul based on the vulnerability of your own. In other words, if someone inspires you to the point where you no longer feel like a loser, that's love. Good luck finding THAT on the Internet.

Now watch this clip of Henry Rollins punching the fuck out of a fan circa early 1980's. Lord knows you need to.